Things We Hate and Love Online This Week
Welcome to RATED AND SLATED, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be.
I’m sick of being told music journalism doesn’t matter. In what other profession could you ignite a war of words between a cartoon farm animal and a sad girl singer-songwriter?
Maybe I’m just jealous that, after 15 years in the game, I’ve never had the chance to interview Peppa Pig. Then again, in the interests of our decaying sense of reality, I have to point out that she doesn’t actually exist. That didn’t stop Pitchfork from asking her to dutifully rate and slate PinkPantheress, Sabrina Carpenter, and The Beatles. I’ve checked out her takes and let’s just say I’m not worried about losing my “job” anytime soon.
I guess the push to keep kids off their phones might be working: this four-year-old pig clearly doesn’t have TikTok, because she’s never heard of shoegaze or Clairo. “I don’t know her,” she replied when asked about Clairo, who took this as an affront and soon posted a screenshot of a text from her friend Charli xcx reading “Let’s fuck her up.”
It must be said, I will have a newfound respect for Clairo if she goes and swings the kill hammer at the pig.
You might remember that a few years ago, Pitchfork gave Peppa Pig’s Peppa’s Adventures: The Album a 6.5 out of 10. This is something that touchy online stans are always quick to bring up whenever they’re disappointed about their favorite artist receiving a negative review, like Drake’s ICEMAN (4.8) or Bully by Ye (3.4). Peppa took her rating with grace, whereas when Halsey received the same score, she suggested that the Pitchfork offices should “just collapse already,” apparently not realizing that they were based in One World Trade Center so she was unwittingly calling for “another 9/11”… which is exactly the kind of reaction that keeps me clocking in at the opinion factory every morning.
So watch and learn Peppa, here’s how it’s done.
rated
‘NO ONE LASTS FOREVER (FT. DAVID CRONENBERG)’
When I say the surprise feature on Charli xcx’s new record will blow your mind, it’s not because it’s unexpected (she has, after all, got an album called Crash) but because I am in fact a scanner with the power to make your head explode using telekinesis.
YOUR 25-YEAR-OLD SELF’S EXCELLENT MUSIC TASTE
NOBODY WARNS YOU THAT YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC BASICALLY FREEZES AT 25 AND EVERY NEW SONG AFTER THAT JUST SOUNDS LIKE NOISE.
— Lyn(@_ayandamay) July 3, 2026
When I was 25 and “I Love It” had just come out, the reality simulator suffered a catastrophic malfunction. Since then it’s just been endlessly iterating on one song and no one can work out how to do a factory reset. So I’ll take the noise, thank you very much.
JOHN LENNON AND PAUL McCARTNEY FUNKOPOPS IN THE LANDFILL A MILLION YEARS FROM NOW WATCHING THE SUN BLOW UP
Meanwhile, the Ringo Funkopop is accompanying the deep-space explorers looking for a planet on which to build a new Earth so future generations will know exactly who the most important Beatle is.
WHAT IF THE REAL TERMINATOR WAS THE FRIENDS WE MADE ALONG THE WAY?
You know things are bleak when a movie about a lethal robotic killing machine is being sold as the “message of hope we all could use this summer.”
THE NEW CAROLINE CALLOWAY ESSAY
I respect the hustle here. No, I’m not talking about using ankle weights and “chipmunk-cheeked” selfies to trick the doctor into giving you an Ozempic prescription. I mean having a “pathological compulsion for writing sentences that no one has ever said before.” Game recognize game, Caroline.
CHADDED GEORGE COSTANZA
You need to stop fixating on Chadded George Costanza, he isn’t real and can’t have sex with your wife. Not unless she wakes up from that coma.
SLATED
YOU ARE LITERALLY A 24-YEAR-OLD MAN
Kai Cenat goes live for the first time in 8 months and shows off his new stream setup with different angles of his room
— FearBuck (@FearedBuck) July 7, 2026pic.twitter.com/d3sGdbfqIm
This is what that little shit in Home Alone would’ve done to his parents’ beautiful house if he hadn’t had to put all his time and energy into making traps for child murderers. Where are the Wet Bandits when you need them?
THIS IS NOT A PHYSICAL EXIT OF THE HOME
If you work in finance you shouldn’t be sitting at home murdering people in a video game, you should be out in the streets, making the real world more evil.
GETTING FAT SHAMED AT THE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET
If I’m going to an all-you-can-eat buffet, the only thing I want the automated calorie counter to be doing is looking out for whether I’m on track to be setting new records for gluttony and self-abasement. Don’t worry about excess charges for unfinished food, worry about what’s going to happen when it comes to closing time and I’m still not sated.
CELEBRATING FURRIES
It’s hard to know who to believe in anymore. I respected Noah Kahan when he took a stand against shitting and pissing yourself at gigs, but now he’s undone all that good work by announcing on stage that “furries are welcome” at his shows. You better have the litter trays ready and waiting.
THE SCRIPT ON WHICH REALITY IS BASED
This sort of thing is exactly why CERN switched off the Large Hadron Collider.
Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoi
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