Your Toxic Family Might Be the Reason You’re Still Single

If you have a toxic family, bringing your partner around can feel like you’re either throwing them to the wolves or sabotaging a healthy connection. Either way, it’s not enjoyable for each party. Thankfully, there are ways to navigate an unhealthy family dynamic without letting it ruin your relationship.

How Do Toxic Family Members Impact Your Dating Life?

Whether we want them to or not, toxic family members have a way of impacting the most intimate relationships in our lives—especially in dating. Often, this makes individuals want to hide their partner from their family or even skip out on holidays and celebrations. 

“Toxic family members can greatly impact holidays and impactful and meaningful events for you personally and for your relationship,” Dr. Brittany Woolford, Licensed Psychologist and Co-founder of Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness, told VICE. “This can be especially hurtful or frustrating where events that are meant to be joyous and connecting can feel stressful and trigger-laden for your relationship.”

For example, if you have overly critical parents or openly judgmental siblings, you might find yourself on the defensive any time you bring your partner around. This can bleed into even the healthiest of connections.

“In families where there is a history of codependency or enmeshment, you are often made to feel guilty or obligated to your family. This makes it extremely difficult to establish a clear distinction between prioritizing a romantic partner versus establishing independence and autonomy,” says Dr. Alexandra Foglia, DMFT, Director of Family Programs of All in Solutions, a network of treatment centers located in Florida, New Jersey, and California. “Research has shown time and again that unstable family environments and insecure attachment are directly correlated to less satisfying relationships and more relationship turmoil.”

How to Navigate Toxic Family Members With Your Partner

Approach Them as a Team

You and your partner should operate as a team, addressing any family issues together rather than letting them come between you.

“The best way to navigate these complicated relationships is to get on the same team with your partner, for you and your partner to discuss what they are needing and what you are needing to foster support in navigating this situation,” says Woolford. “This could look like: staying at a hotel instead of staying at a shared place with your family, having a code word where the two of you can leave and go for a walk to decompress, or even having a collaborative discussion on whether or not this family member will be a part of your future.”

“Dealing with unhealthy family members is stressful for all who are involved,” she adds. “Remembering that you and your partner are a team and both of you are having your own sets of feelings and reactions to the situation is the healthiest way to navigate an interpersonally tricky situation.”

Set the Right Boundaries

If you grew up in a codependent or enmeshed family, you might struggle to set boundaries with your loved ones—even if they’re harming your relationship. In fact, you might even hold their concerns or judgments as your own, unaware that they’re not yours to begin with.

“If your family continually finds fault in each new person you begin dating, don’t take their negative comments as gospel; consider them just another perspective on the matter,” says Foglia. “Healthy boundaries in a relationship are clear, and they are consistent. For instance, if you want to avoid discussing the problems in your relationship with relatives who abuse the trust of personal information regarding your relationship or use that information against you, you should set a boundary around having no discussions with them regarding your dating life.”

She stresses that you don’t need to completely cut ties with your family, but rather “ensure that both you and your partner are basing your relationship on mutual values and respect for one another, not out of fear, shame, or needing your family’s approval.”

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